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Love languages

Ever heard of the ? I have, but I was reminded the other day that in building a relationship with my fiancée that I had lost sight of the fact that our love languages are different and I shouldn’t be expecting her to automatically show me love in my language when her love language was different.  If you are not feeling loved then I suggest you do a bit of research on the topic as realising that other people may be attempting to say “I love you” but in a language you aren’t recognising.   What follows is my take on the love languages.

Love languages should be considered a tool to help you understand yourself and those around you that you care about.  The five love languages are:

Words of affirmation – With words of affirmation you feel most loved when someone tells you how much they appreciate you and the special way you do ordinary tasks.  You most often show love by sharing words of affirmation and encouragement to people.

Quality Time – With quality time you feel closest to another person when they give you receive their undivided focused attention.  You are most likely to attempt to show love by giving them their undivided attention.

Gifts – With receiving of gifts you feel most loved when you receive gifts. When you show love you are most likely to give them a gift.

Acts of Service – If your love language is acts of service then you probably feel the most loved when some one volunteers to do some of your ordinary daily work.  You will probably freely offer your services to people and do stuff for them to show them how much you love them.

Physical Touch – If you find you are a touchy feely sort of person, then you probably have a love language of touch.  This means that you feel the most loved when you are being embraced by someone.

Food?  I have heard it said that food could be a sixth love language.  However, this is most likely a special variation on Acts of Service, Gifts or Quality Time depending on the exact nature of how the food was presented. For example, going to someone’s house and cooking a meal for them could be considered an act of service, while giving someone a hamper of food could be considered a gift.  If you however invite someone over for dinner and share a meal together, without the TV on, then this could be quality time.

It is possible for someone to have more than one love language, indeed it is most people have a primary and a secondary love language.  You can do some simple tests (just Google love languages and you will find a few) that give you and indication of what your love languages are.  For me the love languages of Physical Touch and Acts of Service are my joint primary languages and I dislike receiving gifts.

It is even possible for someone to change their love language over time.  This could be for a couple of reasons, because previous attempts at showing love were rejected or because one way of expressing love is being meet in abundance.  For me I used to enjoy giving and receiving gifts (though it has never been strong) I don’t any more.  This could be that my early attempts at giving gifts were ridiculed or it could be that it is current the Christmas season and most of the gifts I receive haven’t been well thought through.   For me I sometimes feel most loved when there is an unexpected word of affirmation given to me.  If I’m receiving these words all of the time then they start to loose their meaning for me and I look for one of the other ways of receiving love.

Having understood these languages I have been able to change my expectations.  Why, I asked myself, should someone whose love language is not acts of service, be able to spot what I need when they aren’t used to showing love that way and I haven’t communicated it to them?  Are they in fact trying to show me love in a way that I aren’t expecting?  In the case with my fiancée this was definitely the case.  Her love languages happen to be words of affirmation and quality time.  Two languages I aren’t fluent in but have been forced to learn in order to show her how much I love her.  Thankfully snuggling down on a couch in conversation covers both my need for touch and her need for quality time.

If you are feeling unloved then have a look you might discover something about yourself and those you care about that you didn’t know before.

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Categories: Life
  1. 12 December 2011 at 2:15 am

    Great stuff! I really enjoyed your description of the 5 love languages.

    thanks
    Lorraine 🙂

  1. 12 June 2012 at 10:27 pm

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